Secrets from a Sister; things I wish someone had told me

 ...and some things I wish they hadn't!

Looking back at all the things I have learned and discovered in the past 15 years of adulthood (give or take a few) I feel so grateful to live my life now with the knowledge I have acquired - little tips and tricks that in comparison to then, make my life so much easier. If I could go back and tell my old self...and yet who am I to consider myself a paragon of wisdom when I still feel like I am stumbling in the dark? What I do know, is that when I share the information with myself, the act of passing on of knowledge comes with no judgement and no sense of superiority. Is it even possible to patronize oneself? Recently I stopped myself and realized in my eagerness to help a new mom I was coming across as overbearing and intense. So this is me, instead of taking a chill pill I decided to write an entire article of what twenty-something-or-so-year-old's need to know, think, behave and feel.

Let me be honest though and admit that this article has been on my mind for a while - originally in the form of a book titled "Testament to Femininity: a manifesto for Jewish Womanhood in the Millennial Age". On the chapter of intimacy I wanted to dedicate a section on the dignity of privacy and boundaries. And here we get to my byline - things I wish I hadn't known. Even between sisters or the very best of friends - not everything needs to be shared. It took me years to hone in on my intuition and muster the courage - when a conversation doesn't feel right - end it, leave, shut it down. Tactfully if possible - but there's nothing wrong with saying - I don't want to hear a play by play of your lovemaking to your boyfriend even if you are my best friends in the world. However, while secrets and taboos' pose a grave danger, as do ignorance and oblivion; we would live in a very boring and dry world without discovery and mystique. Everything has its time and place and every dimension has its measure. The first and most vital secret to know is that not everything should be revealed. Sometimes black and white makes plaid. I am alluding here to the topic of sexuality but this became clear to me in a different discussion. In the Talmud it is hard to find a clear answer on what the תנאים felt about בר כוכבא. It is uncertain when Rabbi Akiva began to promote him as the possible משיח, nor when he realized the flawed man lurking behind the armor. Though many in his generation paid a heavy price there is little conversation or record in the Mishna or the Talmud on the character and the person that was בר כוכבא. This is deliberate. Some topics we don't discuss and this reveals more about the topic itself that any conversation or endless conversation could ever reveal. Often you hear "there could never be too much discussion about...." - yes, yes there can. 

Now that we have that caveat taken care I wish i could get into the meat of it on sexuality but actually for the reasons mentioned above I don't feel comfortable sharing what I know. I want my close friends and family to read this - I don't want them to be uncomfortable and I don't want to be judged. Instead what I will say is we don't need to live in ignorance - there are many paths I have discovered to become educated and informed and I am still on that process of discovery. I have in my house a book I found in some free street library - Everything you wanted to know about ### but were embarrassed to ask - I have just started skimming this book and though it is many many many years old its a treasure trove. Written by a physician based on scientific research  and both personal and clinical experience - the book stands on its own merit. Biology can be a bit dry so just explore as far as your curiosity takes you; for me, I didnt know I was allowed to know my own body. This journey has opened the doors to also allow me to explore and discover the self - past the bread and butter, beyond the brick and bones to the world of philosophy, sociology and anthropology. The work of  Hildebrand and his students is eye opening and clarifying. This may be heretical: when I realized Judaism did not have the answers I was seeking I allowed myself to find them wherever they may be - and I will always have a warm spot in my heart for the Catholic Church because of what these teachings have given me - yet the journey did come full circle because institutions such as Or Sameach, Aish Hatorah and J-TV provided even greater clarity and insight. Since then I have read many a book cover on the topic of Sexuality in Judaism, so much so I realize I am in competition and its not so simple for me to write my book - I will have to work very hard to find my niche and see what gap still remains to be filled. The next step on my journey as an author and as a Jewish women will be to avail myself of this literature. 

Smaller goals will be to summarize the lecture by Rabbi Breitowitz on sexual identity and sexual orientation vis a vis Torah and contemporary culture and write a summary and book review of a book I have already begun to read called "Circle Arrow Spiral".

Signing off for now...